I’ve been finishing my next book and only able to catch bits and pieces of the news this month, but, based on what I’ve heard from the mainstream media, I’m pretty sure the conservative movement is now being led either by Jared Loughner or GOProud’s president, Chris Barron.

In honor of the gays who have come out of the closet as Republicans to be one of the 140 sponsors of CPAC 2011, I thought I’d run one of the interviews I gave before speaking to GOProud last September, which the reporter never ran after wasting my time.

This is also in honor of The New York Times reporter who wasted my time by writing an article — or at least a headline, which is as far as I got — on my speech to the gays that specifically required knowing absolutely nothing about me.

Moreover, I’m feeling like the tea party is stealing my thunder again this week, so it’s time to suck up to the gays! (That’s from the Times’ headline.)

* * *

Hi, Ann. I’m a feature writer for (a mainstream media publication), e-mailing per Chris Barron. Doing a story on the “new” gay left and “new” gay right (Get Equal, GOProud). Questions below my signature. Happy to talk on the phone if you like. Otherwise, feel free to respond via e-mail as tersely or verbosely as you like. My deadline is 6 p.m. tomorrow. Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

(1) How often do you give speeches?

Constantly. And whenever someone cuts me off in traffic I usually have some extemporaneous remarks. But if you mean in front of an audience, about a dozen times a year.

(2) Have you ever spoken to an LGBT group or attended an LGBT event before?

Yes. I call them “Ann Coulter book signings.” You have no idea how many of my fans are gay.

(3) Can you give me a general preview of what you plan to say at Homocon?

I usually start with my version of “Over the Rainbow,” then I take it from there.

(4) (I’m told) you yourself came up with the “right-wing Judy Garland” line; why’d you describe yourself like that?

It was in answer to Grover Norquist’s e-mail telling me I was by far GOProud’s No. 1 choice as their first speaker. I said: “Duh. I’m the right-wing Judy Garland.” (I wanted to be the right-wing Patti LaBelle, but Ken Mehlman beat me to it.)

(4b) Do you plan to sing?

Honestly, it depends on the money. We’ll pass the hat and let the chips fall where they may.

(5) Can you lay out your stance on marriage equality (Prop 8, DOMA) and DADT?

I’m against gay marriage, but that’s no offense to gays. It is just in defense of a crucial linchpin of civilization that’s already hanging by a thread.

(6) Are gay rights part and parcel with basic conservatism? If so, why are so many elected Republicans so skittish/unsupportive about the subject? If not, tell me why.

No, we don’t generally care for identity politics of any sort, much less hearing about people’s sex lives, even Nino Scalia’s. (And judging by the number of children he has, it’s pretty active.) Conservatives believe in individual rights, low tax rates, fighting terrorism and punishing criminals — so do gays! They also happen to believe Judy Garland was the most underappreciated and misunderstood person in the history of show business. I don’t think most gays care about gay marriage; they like going to the gay marriage meeting because it’s a good way to meet other gays.

(7) Why attend and speak at Homocon?

Why lie? I’m in the market for a new hair stylist.

(7b) Is it just another gig, or are you hoping to make a larger point?

I plan to forge the conservative/gay peace of Westphalia! Conservatives will: (1) Stop treating gay sex any differently from premarital sex; (2) stop blaming nice, conservative gays for the hateful, angry, leftist gays pushing fisting on kindergartners; and (3) agree to do something about their hair. Gays will drop this business about gay marriage and pushing PC rules on the military. WE WILL BE A FORCE THAT CANNOT BE STOPPED! (And stylish!)

(8) Do you have thoughts on what GOProud is doing and what they stand for, versus the Log Cabin Republicans, HRC and Get Equal?

The national Log Cabin Republicans are ridiculous. They’re not conservative at all. I don’t even think they’re gay — they’re bi (partisan). GOProud is comprised of real conservatives who happen to be gay. (Same with the Texas LCRs, for whom I’ve been signing books for years.)

(9) Plan on telling any good gay jokes during the speech?

LOTS! Gays LOVE gay jokes. Christian/conservative audiences generally don’t laugh at my gay jokes because they feel like they’re being mean. It’s really sweet. They don’t like gay marriage, but they want to be nice to gays.

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