"Joe Biden got two pieces of heartening news today. He learned that Bernie Sanders dropped out and he learned that he himself is a candidate for president of the United States!"

"Let's focus-group some Trump 2020 slogans: 'The Wall? Never Mind'…'Prison Is No Place for Felons'…'Ladies & Gentleman, Co-President Jared Kushner!'

"For some reason, there seems to be a diminution in tweets from Michael Avenatti today about what a moral reprobate Donald Trump is."

"NYT: 'How to Talk to People, According to Terry Gross' Her No. 1 Tip? Never, EVER talk to people you disagree with."

"Would be regrettable if the problems with Hillary's "Faith Advisor" stopped her from hiring an Authenticity Coach or a Veracity Consultant."

"IQ TEST: Crime, drugs, illegals--flooding into the country. Do you shut down: (a) The border, or (b) The federal gov't? OK, pencils down."

"If we have to slog through another shutdown debate, can we at least define our terms? I.E.: "Non-essential government employee"....is redundant."

"If all we're getting year three are more Border Wall "prototypes," then time to face it: He's a prototype of a president."

“Two-step plan to end scourge of Young Black Male Over Incarceration: 1) Tell young black males to commit fewer crimes; 2) That's about it.”

“Michael Avenatti in court today, facing up to 400 years in prison. Given his legal skills, I bet he can get it knocked down to half that.”

"Dear Bureau of Prisons: Please get Jeffrey Epstein to a super Max prison pronto, or the people who want him dead will make sure we never know the truth. ACT NOW!"

"REALITY TV SHOW IDEA: Will Trump’s wall or the cartel’s tunnel be longer?

"My money’s on the cartel."

"Liberals: I like it, so taxpayers must subsidize it; I don't care for it, so it must be banned."

"Not to be a stickler, but the chant wasn't 'Allocate more money for border security!', it was BUILD THE WALL!"

"Soledad O’Brien dictionary — “White supremacist”: Too smart for me to debate."

"Cory Booker & Kamala Harris competing for Most Hysterical Woman at the Kavanaugh hearings."

"Working on slogans for Murkowski's re-elect. Like: 'Appointed By My Dad, Loathed By My Party, Dependably Disloyal, Thick as a Brick…MURKOWSKI!'"

"Pending release from custody for punching a motorist, Alec Baldwin apparently foregoing daily tirade about Donald Trump's moral failings."

"I might be in favor of national healthcare if it required all Democrats to get their heads examined."

"The liberal position on any issue can be summarized as: Where’s Trump on this? Oh, that’s awful."

"If John Kerry had a dollar for every time he bragged about serving in Vietnam - oh wait, he does."

"If liberals think they are losing elections because of the conservative bias in the media, they may as well give up right now.”

“This is liberalism’s real strength. It is no longer susceptible to reductio ad absurdum arguments. Before you can come up with a comical take on their worldview, some college professor has already written an article advancing the idea.”

“To go from Obama to the crudest kind of parvenu, bragging about his wealth and IQ, with gold- plated everything, was too much [for the left]. It would be like having Fred Astaire as your president and then getting Rodney Dangerfield.”

“There are a lot of bad Republicans; there are no good Democrats.”

“Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation's moral decay.”

“The nonsense about President Obama being a Muslim has got to stop. I rise to defend him from this absurd accusation by pointing out that he is obviously an atheist.”

“It was you guys, New York Times, who struggled mightily to tell us to calm down about mass-murdering Soviet Communists. Hello? Strobe Talbott? Now we’re supposed to be flipped out over the Red Menace?”

“Memo to POTUS: Be very careful what you say! Never say to a Russian ‘After my election I have more flexibility.’ THAT COULD BE IMPEACHABLE!”

“There is no surer proof of Christ's divinity than that he is still so hated some two thousand years after his death.”

“What the arms-control faithful really want is a world without violence — not a world without weapons. … But we can’t have a world without violence, because the world is half male and testosterone causes homicide.”

“A world with violence — that is to say, with men — but without weapons is the worst of all possible worlds for women. As the saying goes, God made man and woman; Colonel Colt made them equal.”

“Some jobs are so dirty you can only send in someone who has the finely honed hatred of liberals acquired at elite universities to do them.”

“A liberal’s idea of being chivalrous is to hold the car door for you before driving you off a bridge.”

“Much of the left's hate speech bears greater similarity to a psychological disorder than to standard political discourse.”

“When Democrats scheme from the White House, it’s to cover up the President’s affair with an intern. When Republicans scheme, it’s to support embattled anti-Communist freedom fighters sold out by the Democrats.”

“When your party is controlled by a billionaire rootless international financier who expresses 'no sense of guilt' for collaborating with the Nazis, you might want to ease up on lecturing the rest of us about the evil rich.”

“The safest place for any woman to be is at home with her husband.”

“Although God believers don't need evolution to be false, atheists need evolution to be true.”

“I would like evolution to join the roster of other discredited religions...”

“For cocktails alone, I figure I owe the male population several thousand dollars. So I will be the one to step forward and say: To the extent one gender is oppressing the other, it’s not women who should be complaining.”

The New York Times editorial page is like a Ouija board that has only three answers, no matter what the question. The answers are: higher taxes, more restrictions on political speech and stricter gun control.”

“For decades now, [Fuller] Torrey has been warning America what would happen if the dangerously mentally ill were deinstitutionalized, and it's all come true. Today, the only place we can put mental patients is on MSNBC.”

“When [liberals boast] that it will be a huge boon to the economy to give amnesty to millions of low-wage workers who won't pay income taxes but will need a lot of government services, remember: Obamacare was supposed to save money, too.”

“Liberals seem to have hit upon a reverse Christ story as their belief system. He suffered and died for our sins; liberals make the rest of us suffer for sins we didn’t commit.”

“Teddy Kennedy's big new idea is to wheel out his 18th proposal to raise the minimum wage. He's been doing this since wages were paid in Spanish doubloons (which coincidentally are now mostly found underwater).”

“At every other workplace in the nation - even Wal-Mart! - workers are being laid off. But no one at any of the bloated government bureaucracies ever need fear receiving a pink slip. All 64,750 employees at the Department of Health and Human Services are apparently absolutely crucial to the smooth functioning of the department.”

“If he had only said he bombed the building in Oklahoma City to protest American “imperialism,” McVeigh, too, could be teaching at Northwestern University…”

"At every other workplace in the nation - even Wal-Mart! - workers are being laid off. But no one at any of the bloated government bureaucracies ever need fear receiving a pink slip. All 64,750 employees at the department of Health and Human Services are apparently absolutely crucial to the smooth functioning of the department."

“If he had only said he bombed the building in Oklahoma City to protest American “imperialism,” McVeigh, too, could be teaching at Northwestern University…”

“Before the New York Times starts running "Portraits in Grief" of former Enron employees, it's worth remembering that even after the collapse, Enron stock is still worth more than the entire Social Security ‘trust fund.’”

“Liberals have a preternatural gift for striking a position on the side of treason...Whenever the nation is under attack, from within or without, liberals side with the enemy.”

“It’s the famous liberal two-step: First screw something up, then claim that it’s screwed up because there’s not enough government oversight (it’s the free market run wild!), and then step in and really screw it up in the name of ‘reform.’”

“Liberals use the word ‘science’ exactly as they use the word ‘constitutional.’ Both words are nothing more or less than a general statement of liberal approval, having nothing to do with either science or the Constitution.”

“...the definition of ‘swiftboating’ is: producing irrefutable evidence that a Democrat is lying.”

“Liberal moms like soccer because it's a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.”

“I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.”

“No matter what argument you make against evolution, the response is Well, you know, it's possible to believe in evolution and believe in God. Yes, and it's possible to believe in Spiderman and believe in God, but that doesn't prove Spiderman is true.”

“[The left] can sit back and criticize other people for failing to meet the standards that liberals simply renounce. It’s an intriguing strategy. By openly admitting to being philanderers, draft dodgers, liars, weasels and cowards, they avoid ever being hypocrites.”

“It's hard to avoid concluding that Republicans aren't trying to make the right arguments. In fact, it kind of looks like they're intentionally throwing the fight on amnesty.”

“If a Republican majority in both houses of Congress can't stop Obama from issuing illegal immigrants Social Security cards and years of back welfare payments, there is no reason to vote Republican ever again.”

“Liberals don’t mind discussing who is more patriotic if patriotism is defined as redistributing income and vetoing the Pledge of Allegiance. Only if patriotism is defined as supporting America do they get testy and drone on about ‘McCarthyism.’”

“Saddam Hussein praised his sons for putting up a brave fight, noting that U.S. forces had surrounded their compound with advanced weaponry, ground troops and warplanes. In case that didn't work, U.S. forces were prepared to tell Janet Reno that a small Cuban boy was inside the house.”

“Talking to liberals is much more fun now that we have Lexis-Nexis.”

“I just want to say: I think it’s fantastic that the Democrats have finally come out against race discrimination. Any day now, maybe they’ll come out for fighting the Cold War. Perhaps 100 years from now, they’ll be ready to fight the war on terrorism or champion the rights of the unborn. It would be a big help, though, if Democrats could support good causes when it mattered.”

“Democrats couldn't care less if people in Indiana hate them. But if Europeans curl their lips, liberals can't look at themselves in the mirror.”

“We get it, liberals—you hate Trump. But you’ve convinced yourselves that he poses some kind of existential threat when your real objection is that you think he’s a douchebag."

“Liberals hate religion because politics is a religion substitute and they can't stand the competition.”

“If you’re into self-dramatization, Donald Trump’s presidency is perfect for you. You get to be the princess who first felt the pea under fifteen layers of mattresses. I’M AFRAID!"

“Democrats’ position is: We thought up something that we know will work better than anything anyone else has done for the last 30,000 years. We don’t know why no one else has thought of it. We must be smarter. This is why the history of liberalism consists of replacing things that work with things that sounded good on paper.”

“Liberals call conservatives 'haters,' 'those who seek to divide us,' 'tea baggers,' and 'right-wing hate groups.' Meanwhile, conservatives call liberals 'liberals' -- and that makes them testy.”

“Historically, the best way to convert liberals is to have them move out of their parents' home, get a job, and start paying taxes.”

“Liberals’ approach is to rip out society's foundations without asking if they serve any purpose. Why do we have immigration laws? What's with these borders? Why do we have the institution of marriage, anyway? … Let's take a sledgehammer to all these load-bearing walls and just see what happens!”

“The bedrock of the old-style Democratic Party was economic fairness. But today, liberals love that income is wildly maldistributed, with them at the top. As long as they cut a check to BLM and fly a rainbow flag, they can live like nineteenth-century robber barons."

“Obamacare would never have passed without decades of massive immigration from the Third World. Liberals didn't change any minds - they changed the voters.”

“People who are afraid of ideas whitewash Reagan like they whitewash Jesus. Sorry to break it to you, but the Reagan era did not consist of eight years of Reagan joking about his naps.”

“Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now.”

“In the druidical religion of liberalism, not separating your recyclables is a sin, but abortion is just a medical procedure.”

“Liberals never drop a heinous idea; they just change the name. Abortion becomes ‘choice,’ communist becomes ‘progressive,’ communist dictatorship becomes ‘people's democratic republic’ and Nikita Khrushchev becomes ‘Barack Obama.’”

“[Liberals] care more about a female Yale law grad who didn’t make partner at a fancy New York law firm than a union plant bookkeeper whose job has been outsourced to Mexico. In a way, it’s more honest having liberals not bothering to pretend to like flyover people anymore."

“The New York Times and the rest of the mainstream media will only refer to partial birth abortion as 'what its opponents refer to as partial birth abortions.' What do its supporters call it? Casual Fridays? Bean-with-bacon potato chip dip? Uh...Steve?”

“[T]oday the only job of a CIA officer is to read foreign newspapers and leak classified information to the press. It’s like an organization of clandestine newspaper readers. The reason no one at the CIA saw 9/11 coming was that there was nothing about it in The Islamabad Post.“

“If you’d care to join me here on planet Earth, Trump is practically begging the media to go after him for not caring about any of the issues he ran on. But unfortunately, liberals have lost their minds.”

“If we’re so cruel to minorities, why do they keep coming here? Why aren’t they sneaking across the Mexican border to make their way to the Taliban?”

“Once the people who cling to their guns and religion aren’t being outvoted by Somalis and Afghans, everything else will fall into place.”

“The Democrats pretended to care about black people for about five minutes to help their electoral prospects, and then ‘civil rights’ suddenly became abortion on demand, gay marriage, rights for the homeless, etc.”

“Six imams removed from a US Airways flight from Minneapolis to Phoenix are calling on Muslims to boycott the airline. If only we could get Muslims to boycott all airlines, we could dispense with airport security altogether.”

“I am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that other people just won’t do.”

“If politicians had guaranteed us ‘free’ food 50 years ago, today Democrats would be wailing about the ‘food crisis’ in America, and you'd be on the phone with your food care provider arguing about whether or not a Reuben sandwich with fries was covered under your plan.”

“The most crazed religious fanatic argues in more calm and reasoned tones than liberals responding to statistics on concealed-carry permits.”

“Trump’s election sparked the biggest Red Scare since actual Reds had infiltrated the highest levels of the U.S. government. Russians are more evil than when they were allying with Hitler, annexing Eastern Europe, committing mass murder..."

"Liberals were cool with that."

“So for those of you who haven't read any of my [13] best-selling books: Liberals are driven by Satan and lie constantly.”

“’Diversity’ is a difficulty to be overcome, not an advantage to be sought. True, America does a better job than most at accommodating a diverse population. We also do a better job at curing cancer … But no one goes around mindlessly exclaiming: ‘Cancer is a strength!’"

“To be sure, conservative radio talk show hosts have a built-in audience unavailable to liberals: People driving cars to some sort of job.”

“[N]o wonder liberal women think men are pigs: Their men are pigs.”

“Contrary to what you've heard, it's actually more important to stand for something than it is for everybody to 'just get along'.”

“Every social malady is a victory for the left. A couple gets divorced and liberals say, ‘Yay! Another Democratic voter!’ A child is born out of wedlock and liberals say, ‘Yay! Another Democratic voter!’ A person gets addicted to drugs and liberals say, ‘Yay! Another Democratic voter!"”

“We’ve had to restart the Cold War because Hillary Clinton settled on ‘Russian collusion’ as the reason she lost. Inasmuch as Hillary ran against Trump for the same job, one could make the argument that her assessment is not 100 percent objective."

“The networks can’t find a single Trump supporter to put on their airwaves—and, to be fair, there were barely enough of us to elect him president."

“Government workers… self-righteously lecture us about ‘public service,’ ‘the children,’ a 'living wage' -- all in the service of squeezing more money from the taxpayer to fund their breathtakingly selfish job arrangements.”

“[L]iberals compare their every riot, every traffic blockage, every Starbucks-window-smashing street protest to the civil rights movement -- which was only necessary because of them.”

“People in New York and Washington have very little contact with ordinary people, so they have a skewed view of the world. Whereas anyone who owns a TV set knows what goes on in New York City and Los Angeles, you could amaze elites by sitting them down and saying, ‘I want to show you this hidden-camera video of people at church in Kansas..."

“Clinton's attempt to socialize healthcare was the second most disgusting thing he did in the oval office. I can't remember what the first thing was.”

“Listening to liberals invoke the sanctity of "science" to promote their crackpot ideas creates the same uneasy feeling as listening to Bill Clinton cite Scripture.”

“Gays usually bring up the argument about all the straight couples living in 'sham' marriages, but I see no point in dragging the Clintons into this.”

“What actually happened during the Clinton presidency? No one can remember anything about it except the bimbos, the lies, and the felonies.”

“Already liberals are trying to rewrite the history of the Cold War to remove Reagan from its core, to make him a doddering B-movie actor who happened to be standing there when the Soviet Union imploded. They have the media, the universities, the textbooks. We have ourselves. We are the witnesses.”

“Reagan took an approach to the Cold War dramatically different from any other US President. To wit, he thought we should win. This was a fresh concept. At the time, it was widely ridiculed as a dangerous alteration of US policy. Only after it worked was Reagan's dangerous foreign policy recast as merely a continuation of the policies of his predecessors.”

“If you want to find the cool, anti-establishment rebels who don't answer to ‘The Man’ on college campuses today, you have to go to a meeting of the College Republicans.”

“When conservative judges strike down laws, it's because of what's in the Constitution. When liberal judges strike down laws, it's because of what's in the New York Times.”

“There has never been any evidence that simply reading something magically causes people to believe it. Ask Meg Whitman if $140 million made her governor of California. Or come with me to visit the presidential libraries of Jeb! Bush, Hillary Clinton, Howard Dean, Phil Gramm, John Connolly, and Henry M. ‘Scoop’ Jackson...When has spending on campaign ads ever worked?"

“Guns are our friends because in a country without guns, I'm what's known as ‘prey.’ All females are.”

“Liberals become indignant when you question their patriotism, but simultaneously work overtime to give terrorists a cushion for the next attack and laugh at dumb Americans who love their country and hate the enemy.”

"Obama said, 'Now let me be clear, issues of women's equality are by no means simply an issue for Islam.' … So on one hand, 12-year-old girls are stoned to death for the crime of being raped in Muslim countries. But on the other hand, we still don't have enough female firefighters here in America.”

“In order to establish that Russia … helped Donald J. Trump become the forty-fifth president of the United States, you would have to prove that about eighty thousand people… saw a particular Russian post on Facebook and then get them to testify, No, I didn’t care about my job being outsourced or Mexican heroin destroying my community. Where’d you get that? The reason I voted for Trump was the Pizzagate conspiracy I saw on Facebook.”

“Between 1995 and 2005, the prison population grew by 30 percent, meaning an additional half-million criminals were behind bars, rather than lurking in dark alleys with switchblades. You can well imagine liberals' surprise when the crime rate went down.”

“When every one of your arguments is characterized as an attempt to bring back slavery or re-segregate lunch counters, it's a little hard to have any sort of productive debate.”

“It is the law of nature that everything run by the government will get more expensive and worse over time. Everything run by the private sector will get better and cheaper over time.”

“The Russia conspiracy is classic liberal scandal-mongering. Their plan: Bore us to death.”

“If liberals think Iraqis are genetically incapable of pulling off even the most rudimentary form of democracy, why do they believe 50 million Mexicans will magically become good Americans, imbued in the nation's history and culture, upon crossing the Rio Grande? Maybe we should dunk Iraqis in the Rio and see what happens.”

“Do not allow Democrats anywhere near foreign policy. Not even to keep them away from domestic policy.”

“Liberals claim to love gays when it allows them to vent their spleen at Republicans. But disagree with liberals and their first response is to call you gay.”

“[W]e’re supposed to believe that Trump heard about the Russians’ social media plan and said, If you guys are serious about sinking $100,000 into Facebook ads, there’s nothing I wouldn’t give you. You purchase those ads, damn straight I’ll give you the nuclear codes. Can you get something on MySpace, too?”

“From the people who brought you "zero tolerance," I present the Gun-Free Zone! Yippee! Problem solved! Bam! Bam! Everybody down! Hey, how did that deranged loner get a gun into this Gun-Free Zone?”

“I would rank George Washington as America's greatest president, but he only had to defeat what was then the world's greatest military power with a ragtag group of irregulars and some squirrel guns, whereas Ronald Reagan had to defeat liberals.”

“[Liberals] think they can pass a law eliminating guns and nuclear weapons, but teenagers having sex is completely beyond our control.”

“I'm getting a little tired of politicians trying to prove how 'moderate' and 'centrist' they are by taking more of my money and freedom. Where's this center -- somewhere between Lenin and Stalin?”

“Why is it that the same people who have the least confidence in the police and the military are the most willing to allow only the police and the military to have guns?”

“The question isn't whether we 'need' guns. It's whether the government should have a monopoly on force.”

“Liberalism is part of a religious disorder that demands a belief that life is controllable.”

“How do we know Trump's telling the truth about all that new border wall he's already built? Because Jussie Smollett swears he's seen it!”

“Hey liberals! Hot tip for you: You want to go after Trump? Point out he hasn’t kept any of his promises.”

“MEMO TO POTUS: I know you're tight with a buck, but if Nancy Pelosi is determined to serve as your campaign manager, she deserves to be paid.”

“Sen. Warren has convinced me that Bernie isn't that worrisome. He'll never get anything done. SHE'S the freak who will show up with 17 idiotic plans every day and keep everyone up until it gets done.”

“Forgive me, I wasn't paying attention. Would the Dem impeachment managers mind going through it all one more time?”

“Has Ahmed the clock maker had any big new inventions in 2019?!!?”

“After the Schiff hearing debacle, very shrewd move for Dems to bring in the chiseled, sensual Jerrold Nadler.”

“A screech today from Ilhan Omar, demanding Trump's impeachment for ‘violating his oath.’ You'd think he married his brother or something.”

“CHALLENGE: When has the Fox News EVER done anything as retarded as today's New York Times tweet: ‘18 years have passed since airplanes took aim and brought down the World Trade Center.’"

“Pro-lifers, being morally defective, support executing convicted criminals and sparing unborn babies. Pro-choicers, being morally superior, support executing unborn babies and sparing convicted criminals.”

“It’s one thing to push an unpopular idea. The GOP does that all the time: the Trans-Pacific Partnership, privatizing Social Security—how about the Iraq War? Trump’s genius was that he was pushing policies that were popular.“

“No collusion and no wall. I’d prefer collusion and a wall.”

“I can't help but feel that I have something fundamental in common with these 7 Democrats on the debate stage tonight: I won't be elected president, either.”

“Mexican drug cartels murdered 36,000 people in 2019, but at least it's not on our border, like Iran is.”

“TODAY'S ETHICAL DILEMMA: If Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren promise to cancel your student loans in exchange for your vote, would that be a -- what's the word for it? – ‘QUID PRO QUO’?”

“Democrats should stop whining and start counting their blessings. Usually when a coup is thwarted there are arrests and a trial.”

“To all the NPR-NYT liberals who DEMANDED that the Boy Scouts admit gay Scout masters -- what could go wrong? -- now would be a good time to pitch in!”

“Well let's see, the Democrats screwed an impeachment and now a caucus. Next up: They try to boil water.”

“Great news! @realDonaldTrump just discovered Article II. Apparently, it allows him to kill generals in the Middle East, but not to build a wall to protect 30,000 Americans killed every year in AMERICA.”

“Go Trump! He’s built 0.2% of the wall! ONLY 1,305 MILES TO GO!”

“The New York Times treats the rules of journalism like a speed limit sign on a back road in New Hampshire: rules that exist only for our amusement. Reporters say, you’ll be sorry when you can’t get the truth! They seem not to realize that we don’t feel like we’re getting it now.”

“The MUTE button on a TV remote control was invented in 1956 by Robert Adler, a Zenith engineer. Chuck Schumer was only six at the time and not yet a senator, but apparently Mr. Adler had a hunch.”

“The burqa isn't a bad look for all women.”

“I wish somebody running for president would promise to build a wall.”

“My book on ‘How to Avoid Becoming a Victim of 'Revenge Porn' will consist of one sentence: Don’t make porn.”

“Reminder for Americans listening to the hysteria about our beloved allies, the Kurds, on the Sunday political shows: ISIS poses zero danger to you. Immigrants have killed at least 80,000 Americans since 2001.”

“If you need further proof of Trump's chronic abuse of power: He's giving a Medal of Honor RIGHT NOW to a Green Beret, but NOTHING to Hunter Biden for his 1 month in the Navy Reserve before being discharged for failing a drug test.”

“The one thing I'm not clear on with the Matt Lauer anal rape story: What is Trump's culpability? I'll have to watch MSNBC today to find out.”

“In fairness to Trump, maybe we misheard him in 2016. Maybe he said the southern border needed a big, beautiful mall.”

“Let's play Jeopardy.
ANSWER: An Easter egg.
QUESTION: What's the only thing easier to roll than Donald J. Trump?”

“BREAKING: Trump campaign officials beg Dem impeachment managers to lecture the Senate for another five thousand hours or so.”

“BREAKING: TIME Magazine names 16-year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg its 2019 "Person of the Year"! Precisely the same honor she received from INSUFFERABLE CHILD-SCOLD GAZETTE.”

“So Dem donors worry Biden hasn't yet found the right words to explain Huntergate. Guess there are no germane Neil Kinnock speeches to plagiarize.”