Dear Readers: I hope you’re enjoying your summer so far. How I wish I could join you at the beach, by the pool, or out at the ranch clearing brush. Unfortunately my summer has been spent promoting my new book “Godless: The Church of Liberalism.”

If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to be on tour promoting a book — and, honestly, who hasn’t? — it’s like being on a long, low-budget vacation with all of the good parts taken out. Except, of course, that I occasionally get to meet wonderful people like you who read my books, which makes it more than worthwhile.

Being on a book tour also means answering questions such as the following, which were left out of a Baltimore Sun article due to length. I hope you enjoy my responses, and look for me in fine bookstores everywhere this summer.

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Q: The last time we spoke, you told me you’re routinely misquoted by newspaper reporters. What are a couple of the more egregious examples? Why does this happen?

A: It happens so much, I don’t even keep track of it anymore. The last one I remember was when I said “cutting the tax rate on capital gains seems to have increased tax receipts for fiscal 2006, just as supply-side economics predicted it would.” It came out in the paper as, “I worship Adolf Hitler and share all of his goals, especially the ‘final solution’ to the ‘Jewish problem.'”

I have no idea how it happens, given the strict objectivity and rigid nonpartisanship of the American media.

Q: The mainstream press is in economic trouble. Any comments on how they’re reacting?

A: They are reacting with the same hysterical leftism that drove readers away in the first place.

Q: Bill Keller said The New York Times published the Swift banking story because of the public’s right to know. Do you think he thinks that? Why did he publish it? What is the job description of a metro daily newspaper editor?

A: I don’t like it when people ask me if I meant what I said or wrote, so I’ll take him at his word and assume that he really means what he said: that anyone who reads The New York Times, including our enemies, is entitled to information about secret government programs being used to track terrorists, which means he’s either (a) a complete moron or (b) a traitor.

An editor’s job is to edit, which should not be confused with “to release sensitive information that can help the enemy during a war.”

Q: Why is abortion sacrosanct to the left? Why have Democrats chosen this as their hill to die on? Why is evolution so important to liberals?

A: Because they basically want to depopulate the world of human beings, hence their love of abortion and their commitment to a belief system that does not distinguish men from lower beasts.

Q: Have you encountered anyone on the left who has read “Godless” carefully and was willing to debate its points with you? How’d it go? Have any critics addressed the content rationally? If so, what did you think? If not, do you find it amusing?

A: Only one: Michael Eric Dyson. The rest just want to talk about why my skirts are so short and why I’m “mean.” It’s almost as if my critics are avoiding the issues I write about in the book.

Q: Does Hillary Clinton have a good chance in 2008? What are her strengths and weaknesses? What did her reaction to your “Jersey girls” comments tell you about her as a potential candidate?

A: Good chance of what? Coming out of the closet? I’d say that’s about even money.

Her strength is her first name; her weakness is her last.

Q: Any comments on …

A: Joe Biden: See my remarks on Neil Kinnock.

David Gregory: The man with no principles, no credibility and no last name.

Kofi Annan: That guy? Isn’t he on the ground fighting with Hezbollah?

Katie Couric: The affable Eva Braun of evening TV.

Tony Snow: Cool guy.

Tom DeLay: How does Tom “soon to be acquitted and re-elected” DeLay grab you?

Rush Limbaugh: First runner-up for Mount Rushmore.

Joe Wilson: You mean Valerie Plame’s clueless hubby? Whatever happened to that moron?

Dan Rather: Reports of his contrition are greatly exaggerated.

Cynthia McKinney: One of the most intelligent Democrats in the country.

Q: Any other wild, hippie-esque practices we should know about?

A: You mean other than the fact that I live in a filthy van with a dog, a gentleman I refer to as “my old man” and our daughter “Diversity Seagull,” and we make our living weaving hemp baskets? No, not really.

Q: How would your career be different if you looked like Molly Ivins?

A: I’d be a lot uglier.

Q: Now that the “Slander/Treason/Godless” trilogy is finished, what’s your next big project?

A: Finishing this interview. What are you, writing a book or something?



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